L

#42

When I'm with you
I am sub-
par.
I am something natural
acting in some way that's
contrived.
I'm a flower in the barrel of a gun
that you've seen a
million times
on TV
and you're tired of it
because it doesn't
mean a goddamn thing
any more.

#41

There's a place in my mind
a room
with fresh beige paint
and four windowless walls
that are reinforced with steel
but feel soft to the touch.

When the storm comes
and I tear down everything
I believe in
and tell myself there never was
such a thing as love
or passion
or even reason,
that I'm just a stupid woman,
a child playing grownup games,
delusional to have ever thought
that I am uniquely qualified to change the world,
I stand outside my little room
and throw myself against the door
dragging my fingernails
over the paint
exposing the steel
and realize
that I can't get in

and move on.

An idea of you
is kept in that room,
kept safe,
untouchable,

but the room has no door
and no windows
and the steel is too thick
for me to tell
whether it's dead or alive
in there.

#40

Every time someone gets
close
to understanding
another
living thing's
condition
or
frame of reference
or whatever it is people mean
when they
cry
quietly
because no one understands,
the situation twists
and people
get twisted
along with it
and I'm starting to get fed up
with trying to make myself clear.

#39

It was sunny this morning
and I was happy.
You once told me
that we'll never get married
because you can only feel
at peace
when it's overcast
and windy
so nothing has much of a shadow
and no one looks up for very long.
When it's sunny though
I look up
and smile
and try to comfort you
and that keeps me busy enough
that I
never have to
look at the shadows.

#38

I had to redefine love because of you.
I couldn't let it mean that I would do anything:
read what my lover reads,
feel what my lover feels,
forgive my lover any sin,
try to tell my lover every truth I know,
try to be the kind of person my lover would want,
and never hurt him,
never lie,
find comfort so he doesn't worry,
watch the right movies, listen to the right music,
try to be the right kind of person
so that he can be loved by the right kind of person
- no.
Now love has to be more of the
"I love you", "I love you too" kind of feeling
of casual comfort
and some affection
or else I'll never let myself
love again.

#37

There are little pieces of me
scattered
throughout the minds
of people I once knew
and although I cannot think
of
anyone I never lied to
I pray
that they might remember
that no one is pure evil
or pure good
or pure lies
and think
that maybe the greatest
most profound
truths
are found in fiction.

But my lies weren't intended
to be read as any more
metaphorical
than any of the other words that came out.
And the men I left
abruptly
and the women I ignored
have no reason
to honour me
by thinking otherwise.

#36

there was never much call
for a person
like me
just a little too crazy to be
approachable
any less
and I would be cool
like the girls
in short skirts
and tight blouses
who I can never tell apart
as the years fly by
who laugh at themselves
at each other
at how wild
and crazy
they are