L

#29

When
you walked into
the room
I thought "Wow.
That
chick
is
FAT."
You looked ridiculous
stuffed into tight-
fitting office attire;
a bead necklace trying to sway as you walked
was trapped
between your enormous tits
and your stomach fat was divided
by your waistline
into a roll
under your shirt
and a roll
under your pants. You
were laughable. Your purple
hair looked
ridiculous. Your feet
were comically small.
And when you spoke! Holy shit! You
had to
take a
breath every
other word
and you had a voice that was undeniably that of a fat chick.
But I listened.
It was only
polite.

Two minutes into your speech
you started
to transform.
What you said was so
sad
and so honest
and took
such
strength
that it slimmed you down. Really,
I mean you
actually
looked thinner. And your face looked more symmetrical. And
I noticed
your eyes.
I fell in love
with your beauty.
I gazed upon your style and grace and overwhelming
beauty

and I felt ashamed
at how ugly I am.

#28

My conversations,
good in the morning,
have begun
to seem
strained.
I exasperatedly seek
to express myself
but seem only to offend.
I think of the men
who have said they love me
and wonder why
and whether
it was so easy for them
to listen to me try
desperately
to make them understand
even though
perhaps
there was nothing to understand
other than my attempts
to mirror who they are.
I try to be the answer to
"If she were the right kind
of person
what would she say?"
What can I say?

#27

I told myself
that I had to keep living
on autopilot
and never slow down again
because if I
stopped
for
even a moment
the emotions I suppress
would rush into me
and I would
shatter.
Today I stopped
for a breathe
for
a change
and felt
and felt
and
felt
nothing
but mild disappointment.

#26

The world is crashing
down around me
but I am untouchable
while the people
who had once smiled patiently
at me
are overwhelmed
by pain, fear, helplessness
I am filled with dread.

#25

When it was quiet
I listened for the sounds
I never got a chance to hear.
I wanted
to know the soul
of your parents' bathroom
through the whirr of the air
conditioning or
traffic outside
or water behind the walls
but I heard nothing.
I strained my ears.
Still nothing.
I wanted to flick my fingers around
in the water
to create some sound
not to fool myself
but so that you wouldn't
subconsciously
think that there was nothing
being concealed.
The candid truth on the surface
is nothing
without
the muddled lies underneath.

#24

I only feel like a good person
when I
can't find
the words to
describe how fucking
evil I really am.

#23

As he approached me
he looked me in the eyes
and for a moment
I wondered if he thought of me
as beautiful
with my hair falling out of its clip
and my pale green jacket
over a pale blue blouse
and my dark eyes.
He seemed taken aback
and he spoke softly to me
as he told me to lie down
and not to be scared
and pulled my hood over my head
telling me to count backward from one hundred
before I fucking moved a muscle.

#22

When he left in the morning
he told me
"I'm not done with you yet."

When he instructed me
to take him home with me
he told me "You'll kiss me.
Hard. With tongue."

When he met me
our thighs were forced together
as we made room for others
on the bench.
He told me "You drank that beer fast."

When he didn't yet exist for me
I decided that since I felt lonely that day
I would find a hot-headed man
and get him to hit on me
and I would hold back sex
so that in the morning he'd be under my thumb.

I told him I'm a liar and he told me "No you're not."

#21

Old bosses
and customers
and men on the bus
and men on the streets
have told me that I have
a pretty smile
and to be
careful
because someone might
get the wrong idea.
They ask if smiling
has ever gotten me in trouble
before,
and don't believe me when
I tell them yes,
it has.
I know
the consequences
of being happy
when you're a pretty little thing
all alone at night.